Hilariously Terrible Bootleg Pokémon Stickers

About a year ago, I bought a giant box of random "vintage" (i.e. mostly stuff from Generation 1) Pokémon stuff on eBay. For around $25 I got a giant Meowth plushie, some books and manga, a talking Lucario figure (MIB) and some miscellaneous loose figures and cards. Obviously I was mainly in it to score the Meowth, and pretty much disregarded the rest of the stuff after a brief glance.

The other day I was organizing my bookshelf and I started leafing through one of the random Pokémon books (a "book" of cut-out papercrafts) and noticed some sheets sticking out of it. Unbeknownst to me (and possibly even to the seller), this lot contained an amazing gem: two bootleg sticker sheets from Taiwan, showcasing the absolute worst Generation 1 Pokémon clip art ever created.

The funny thing is, I actually remember buying these exact same stickers from the local comic/anime shop when Pokémon first came out. I'm pretty sure I knew they were bootleg at the time, and the images made no sense, but despite this I was still willing to shell out $5 (each) of my hard-earned money, simply because it was POKéMON, and god I really had to have any Pokéthing I could get my hands on. (Note: this sounds ridiculous now that Pokémon merchandise is so ungodly plentiful, but at the time, the only mass-produced American Pokémon goods were those crappy KFC Zubat plushies.)

I don't really want to open them because the paper is such shite quality I'm pretty sure they will disintegrate immediately upon exposure to oxygen, so I've scanned and archived the sheets, highlighting my favorite ones.

Dark Type Pokémon, or The Fall of the God of Psychic

Oh, Sabrina. You remember Sabrina, leader of Saffron City's gym: the unassuming little girl who uses Psychic-type Pokémon. At this point in the game, you haven't fought very many of those, but if you were smart, you picked up an Abra early on. By now, you should have a faithful Kadabra (or Alakazam, if your parents loved you enough to buy you a Game Boy cable. Mine didn't.) by your side, kicking the ass of Machokes left and right. Knowing this, you can probably guess that Sabrina will be tough to beat.

Pokémon is like an ultra-complex game of rock-paper-scissors. Everything is strong against something, and weak to something else. So what is Psychic weak to? Bug and Ghost. Great! I picked up this Gastly in Lavender Town. And hey, in the anime, Ash beat Sabrina with nothing but a Haunter, so all I have to do is get this thing up to level 25 and I'm set!

My ticket to victory.

Aaaand then you get to the gym and realize that something the anime neglected to mention about Haunter is that it is a dual-type Pokémon: Ghost AND Poison, which makes it horribly weak to Psychic attacks. Oh, and it only has two Ghost moves: Lick (crap) and Nightshade (double crap.) One blast from Psybeam and Haunter is KO'd before he even gets a chance to whip out his tongue. Your ass: instantly kicked.

Your many painful defeats at the Saffron City gym left you with a bitter taste in your mouth and an important lesson: the Pokémon world is set up with a system of checks and balances, but Psychic-type rules all. Better start leveling up that Blastoise.

Obviously this all changed with the "discovery" of Dark-type Pokémon in Gold and Silver. Now there are good, powerful moves that are super effective against Psychic-types, AND Dark-type Pokémon are completely immune to all Psychic attacks.

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW

Gold and Silver also tempered out Psychic a bit with the addition of the Steel-type, which is resistant (but not immune) to Psychic-moves, as well as the addition of pure Ghost-types and more powerful Bug moves. From Generation 2 onward, Psychic-types were demoted from terrifying demigods to impotent, sorry bastards who can be obliterated by a fucking firefly.

My problem is that I still have PSYCHIC=KILL EVERYTHING deeply ingrained into my head. I still think "Bite" is a Normal move. Then I encounter a level 16 Poochyena, and half my team is writhing on the floor in agony. I realise that the game needed to be more balanced, and that the advent of Dark and Steel also meant that Fighting-types stopped being so utterly useless, but I still remember the good old days when all I had to do was feed Rare Candy and PP Ups to my Kadabra and the Pokémon League Championship was mine for the taking.

Side note: There's a lot of talk in the Pokémon fan community about the possibility of a Light-type to counter the Dark-type. I thought it was fairly obvious that Dark-type is the counter to Psychic-type, but this would imply* that Psychic-type were somehow "good", which contradicts my assumption that Psychic-type Pokémon like Alakazam and especially Mr. Mime are inherently evil.

*Not necessarily, I suppose. It may be a case of evil versus more evil.

Links:
The Top 5 Dark Type Pokémon
Pokemon Season 1 Box Set - Indigo League
Pokemon HeartGold
Pokemon SoulSilver

Link of the Week: Super Effective

You're probably familiar with VG Cats comics; Super Effective is by the same artist. It's an ongoing comic following the plot of Gen1, and it is pee-inducingly hilarious. It's full of great nostalgia, wacky facial expressions, and all the stuff you loved/hated/wished you could do in RBY.

Link of the Week: Pokémon, What Happened To You?

I'm not the only funny Pokémon writer/artist out there (shocking, I know), so I plan to bring you at least one of my favorite Pokémon links per week. Feel free to submit stuff! This one comes via my friend Joe.

Hilarious, nostalgic, and even a little bit touching—Alex Day's Pokémon, What Happened To You?



Even though I totally love the new generations (and my Umbreon <3), this video brings back some great memories.

Why I never became a Pokémon Master

My first foray into Pokémon happened when I was around 13. A classmate told me she thought the cartoon was really cute and suggested I watch it. I was instantly hooked, and of course, I now needed to play the game so I could have PokéAdventures right alongside Ash and Misty.

My little brother had both Red and Blue for Gameboy, so I started playing Blue, despite his objections to me erasing his saved game. Oh, it was love. Instant love. My trusty Charmander and I, traversing Mt. Moon and Diglett's Cave, fighting our way to the top of the Pokémon League. To be a Pokémon Master was my destiny.

C'est l'amour.

Then it came time for me to complete my PokéDex. Professor Oak had entrusted this sacred task unto me, and may the gods help me should I fail. It should have worked out perfectly. I had access to both Red and Blue. My brother and I each had our own Gameboy, and he even had a few friends that played the game. We could all get together and spend the day trading our Eevee evolutions and Kadabras. We were just missing one thing.

To trade Pokémon in the old games, you didn't just need friends and multiple $20 game cartridges. You needed a link cable. Specifically this: a DMG-04, used to connect two of the original Gameboys.

Cheeky bastard.

Thinking back, 13 years after the fact, I imagine that this small bundle of wires was not actually that hard to find. It probably wasn't even that expensive. But try explaining that to my parents. We already bought you the Gameboy. We already bought not one, but TWO of what are essentially identical games. Now you need something ELSE for it? Try getting a job and paying bills and learning what it's like to live on your own, see how you like that.

So that was it. Never, not even once, did I get to trade in the Generation I games. No Ekans. No Mankey. No Jolteon. No Alakazam. And hey, if you wanted a Bulbasaur, maybe you should have gotten one from Professor Oak in the first place.

No.

I WAS able to obtain all the Pokémon you could possibly get without trading (which is 128.) A very poor concession prize considering all the wild rumors that flew around about what DID happen after getting all 150 creatures. A guy in Professor Oak's lab gave you a Mew. You gained access to a special hidden Safari Zone. The president of Nintendo America showed up on your doorstep with a sack of pirate gold.

We didn't have the internet back then, so all I had to go on was what my 10 year old brother and his weirdo friends told me. Turns out all you actually get is a pat on the back from Professer Oak and a shitty diploma from one of the employees in the Celadon Mansion.

I want the last 300 hours of my life back.

To this day, I've still never had a complete PokéDex. I'm close in Diamond; very close, especially after purchasing a used copy of Pokémon Pearl at a GameStop and finding it had been maxed out with cheat-generated legendaries. I'll be sure to post here when I get my awesome completion certificate. At least I can look forward to it being in color this time.