Top 5 of Gen 5!

I am aware that it is not Tuesday, yet I am still doing a top 5 feature. Days of the week don't control me.

Gen5 has been criticized from the very first silhouette leaks of the new starters for having horribly stupid-looking Pokémon. All I really have to say to that is HAVE YOU LOOKED AT GEODUDES? THEY ARE ROCKS WITH FISTS. Also, stop taking a video game targeted towards people 1/3 your age so seriously (like I'm one to talk.) Anyway, these are my five favorite Pokémon from yet-to-be-released-in-America Black & White!*

#5. Desukan / Cofagrigus

Kudos to Nintendo America's translation team for creating a nearly-impossible-to-pronounce American name for this guy. Co-fa-gri-gus? It doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. I've always loved Egyptian-style stuff, and this has the added bonus of letting me imagine that Lucy from Elfen Lied is trapped inside a sarcophagus.

#4. Shinbora

Bulbapedia suggests that the inspiration for this Pokémon comes from Nazca lines and Kachina dolls. I choose to believe that Shinbora is the product of a drunken night between a Xatu and like, 3 or 4 Unowns.

#3. Goruugu

This Pokémon is like one of the kind-hearted robots in the Robot Circus that helps Astro Boy come to terms with the fact that he's a hated piece of garbage that was disowned by his creator. I'm not sure if that actually happened in Tezuka's manga, but it should have.

#2. Shimama / Blitzle

It's an electric zebra with a mohawk. Electric zebra. Mohawk. Also it kind of looks like David Bowie, if he was a zebra.

#1. Dasutodasu

Oh god. God, yes. Nintendo obviously listens to my prayers, because they actually designed a Pokémon that is a big bag of garbage. LOOK AT THIS THING. I mean, look at it. It is obviously the product of hours of brainstorming as to what a bag of vomit and entrails might look like if it gained sentience. AND IT IS GLORIOUS.

*I thought really hard about purchasing Japanese copies of Black and/or White so I wouldn't have to wait until March. Then I realized that Japanese DS games cost twice as much as American ones. I also realized that I would have finished it and likely gotten sick of it by the time all my friends were playing it, and I would end up being ostracized as a Pokémon hipster when I inevitably told them, "I already finished that game months ago because I can read Japanese." Then they'd all go off to play and trade together and I'd be left alone. :,(

Top 5 Tuesday: Pokémon Pick-up Lines

#5. Is that a Gyarados in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

#4. Wanna see my Ho-Oh face?

#3. I've got my PokéWalker on. Let's see how many Watts we can rack up.

#2. Do you Spit Up or Swallow?

#1. TRIO TRIO TRIO

Top 5 Tuesday: Best Pokémon Finds on Etsy

For those of you who haven't heard of it, Etsy is an online community where users create shops to sell handmade (or vintage, but the focus is on handmade) items. Because anyone can open up a shop and sell pretty much anything as long as it bears some markings of being handmade, you have to wade through a looooot of crap before you find something good. So, I've done all the work for you. You can thank me later.

#5. Drifloon Hat
by Irenescrochet

I've always wanted my head to look like a Drifloon was sitting on it! Bonus points for having cotton balls on top of it.

#4. Mudkip Plushie
by abitingwit

So cute, and it's a Mudkip! Your very own Mudkip to cuddle all night long. I love that the seller made sure to note what nature it is.

#3. Pokémon Monopoly Journal
by heavensentcrafts

Considering that Pokémon Monopoly is valued at $90 or so over on amazon.com, cutting it up to make a $15 journal maaaay have not been the best idea, but this is still totally cute, and a unique idea for "upcycling" board games that have lost enough parts to be useless.

(I still have my copy of Pokémon Monopoly somewhere. Pretty sure it's near-mint; I didn't even swallow any of the pieces!)

#2. Needlefelt Flaaffy
by zinkyufox

I'm not sure what needlefelt is exactly, but omg, could this be any sweeter?? It even comes delivered in an egg! I wonder if you have to carry it around for 5,000 steps before you can open it.

#1. Slowbro T-Shirt
by LargeHotCoffee

From the seller's description: "Evolves from Slowpoke after getting its tail caught in discarded six-pack rings that occasionally wash up on shore. It frequently drinks a beverage made from fermented berries that often causes confusion. It can use the 'Madden' ability which raises its attack power sharply."

They have other awesome original Pokémon stuff at their shop, sanshee.com. I want one of the Team Rocket shirts!

Don't be afraid to support independent artists! You never know whose work is going to become explosively popular, and then you can say you own one of their "early" pieces. :p

Top 5 Tuesday: Pokémon that give you nightmares

Look, we've all had dreams about Pokémon. Usually they are fun, happy dreams, where you get to have real Pokémon battles and snuggle with your Jigglypuff, but sometimes the dreams go a little...bad. Here are the top 5 Pokémon that I have had actual nightmares about.

#5. Pikachu

Moving on...

#4. Exploud

My boyfriend and I were playing doubles in the Battle Tower, and this freak of nature was our final opponent. We won by the slightest margin, but the sight of it really unnerved us (he had never even seen one before.) That night, I had an awkward, sweaty nightmare about facing an Exploud and it just kept screaming...and screaming...and screaming.

#3. Cacturne

It's an evil scarecrow that is also a cactus. When my boyfriend first saw a Cacturne he simply said, "I don't like that one." I found out later that he'd had recurring nightmares about a scarecrow as a child, and Cacturne reminded him of that.

As a side note, does anyone else get the feeling that Cacturne kinda doesn't fit in as a Pokémon? If I saw it out of context, I'd assume it was from some other franchise (like...I dunno, Final Fantasy. Or Digimon.)

#2. Bulbasaur

Technically Bulbasaur wasn't the source of the nightmare, but I had a terrible dream once where it was the Pokémon Holocaust, and the Jews in this case were...that's right, Grass-types. In the dream, the Gestapo were at my door, and I was desperately trying to hide my Bulbasaur. :( It didn't end pleasantly.

#1. Huntail

This actually qualifies as one of the worst dreams I've ever had. It started out beautifully—I got a lovely little white fish as a prize from an ice cream store, and took it home in a jar, admiring it all the way. When I got home, I went to put it in my fish tank, not realising that there was a Huntail in the tank already. It immediately darted for the little white fish, swallowing it. I grabbed the Huntail out of the tank and threw it on the counter to try and save the little white fish, but I was too late. I woke up in tears.

Top 5 Tuesday: Whoniverse Villains That Could Totally be Pokémon

Here's where I REALLY show my geek hand. Pokémon and Doctor Who are two of my biggest guiltless pleasures, and they have a lot in common: obviously, Poké Balls use Time Lord technology, and I know I'm not the only one who nicknamed their Dialga "Doctor". Here are the top 5 Whoniverse (Doctor Who and Torchwood) villains/monsters that could kick Charizard's ass.

#5. Daleks

Type: Steel/Dark
Species: EXTERMINATE
Ability: Intimidate
Move Set: Metal Sound, Hyper Beam, Imprison, Iron Defense
PokéDex entry: Daleks have only one goal: exterminate everything that is not a Dalek. They have occasionally been domesticated.

#4. Cybermen

Type: Steel/Electric
Species: Upgrade
Ability: Download
Move Set: Flash Cannon, Magnet Bomb, Attack Order, Iron Head
PokéDex entry: Part human but devoid of all emotion due to an inhibitor signal. Disabling this signal may cause regression into humanity.

#3. 456

Type: Poison
Species: Addict
Ability: Stench
Move Set: Leech Life, Supersonic, Gastro Acid, Poison Gas
PokéDex entry: 456 uses soundwaves to communicate with its allies and control its foes. It sprays a sickening acid.

#2. Weeping Angels

Type: Rock/Psychic
Species: Statue
Ability: Rock Head
Move Set: AncientPower, Mind Reader, Protect, Glare
PokéDex entry: The Weeping Angels appear as statues when observed and only come to life when your back is turned. Blinking during encounters is not recommended.

#1. Adipose

Type: Normal
Species: Diet
Ability: Gluttony, Thick Fat
Move Set: Cute Charm, Stockpile, Spit Up, Swallow
PokéDex entry: Adipose is born from the fatty parts of lazy, overweight Earthlings. Its squishy-soft exterior charms foes into letting their guard down.

Top 5 Tuesday! Bizarre Gen3 Pokémon that should not have achieved sentience but somehow did

Gen3 gave us some weird Pokémon. Gulpin. Nuzleaf. Pelipper. But at least with those ones, we could believe (with relative ease) that such a thing could be up and wandering around. Unlike these guys. I mean, sure, we should be used to Pokémon that are made out of rocks, or clumps of dirt, or...clouds. But these are kind of a stretch.

#5. Nosepass

According to the original PokéDex entry for Nosepass, it actually barely moves at all, so it may not qualify as "sentient", but it still has a face, and does a little dance when you encounter it, so there. It's probably harmless, but it looks like a mini Moai statue and that's creepy for some reason.

#4. Solrock & Lunatone

Terrifying and soulless, you may remember Solrock and Lunatone as the Pokémon who handed your ass to you in the Mossdeep City Gym. These Pokémon supposedly appeared at the site of fallen meteorites. Well, so did Clefairy, and I don't see them trying to kill me in my sleep.

#3. Banette

A sinister, angry plush toy that skulks around dark alleys hunting for children to...presumably kill and eat. Combined with its nightmarish death-rattle of a cry and you've got all the reason you need to not play Pokémon in the dark.

#2. Claydol

Actually kind of awesome if you can get over the fact that it's a living, breathing Haniwa statue that can apparently detach parts of its body at will.

#1. Registeel

All of the Regi-liths, really. Registeel may be pretty awesome and impervious to, well, everything, but it earns some bizarre-points for being a STEEL type with "steel" in its name, but apparently being made of "something harder than any kind of metal". Also for sort of being shaped like a pencil sharpener.