Pokémon Pinball RS = Love

While we're on the subject of pinball, I just got a copy of Pokémon Pinball Ruby & Sapphire and I'm already super hooked! I've even caught most of the legendaries already (all except Rayquaza and Registeel, who is probably off sulking because I made fun of him the other day.) My favorite aspects so far:

• Latios & Latias ball savers, and the Spoink ball launcher!
  
• Pichu crawling up to save your ball when you get the permanent Pikachu bounce-backs, and then sadly wandering away when you lose it
  
• Totodile climbing down a rope from offscreen to place an egg in the nest
  
• Spoink hatching from the egg and hobbling awkwardly around the screen
  
• the Spheal bonus stage where you have to use your ball to push Spheals up a slide because they are too fat to climb it by themselves.
  
  
  
  GAH
  
  
• ...and all-around stellar graphics that are a *huge* step up from the actual RS games
  

The best part is, there are plenty of used copies on eBay and amazon for around 5 bucks, so you have no excuse to not play!

My Legendary Pokémon Pinball High Score

I can't reminisce about Pokémon without fondly remembering the many hours I spent playing Pokémon Pinball for Game Boy Color. I still pick it up from time to time, and it's just as fun as it ever was.

:)

But that's not important. What is important is my utterly freakin' epic high score.

THAT IS 81,532,998,600 POINTS, SON

The game has a save feature, and this saved game went on for over 6 months. I didn't tally it, but I'm pretty sure I got at least 50 extra balls. I never did complete the game's PokéDex (even though it was technically possible to get all of them in just the one game—even Mew), but who cares? I got 81,532,998,600 points.

I've never been great at action video games. I suck at Smash Bros. I run into gophers all the time in Mario Kart. Duck Hunt...forget it. In fact, 99% of my video game experiences before the age of 12 involved me mashing buttons for a few minutes, losing, then hurling the controller to the floor before tearfully declaring, "I hate this!" and walking away with the bitter taste of shame on my palate. Even though it didn't happen until I was well past the age for it to actually matter, getting this epic high score helped heal a lot of that old hurt.

(By the way, if someone feels like emailing me with evidence that they got a much higher score than mine, just be aware that you are going to ruin a fairly large chunk of my life.)

Pokémon Sighting!

Who's that Poké—omfg, it's Shaymin

I made this a couple years ago, when I first started playing Pokémon Diamond. Shaymin is a legendary hedgehog Pokémon who lives in flower patches and curls up in them to resemble a flower.

In other words, the cutest damn thing on the planet. That is, until they made that weird alternate form that looks like a cranky puppy.

Top 5 Tuesday! Bizarre Gen3 Pokémon that should not have achieved sentience but somehow did

Gen3 gave us some weird Pokémon. Gulpin. Nuzleaf. Pelipper. But at least with those ones, we could believe (with relative ease) that such a thing could be up and wandering around. Unlike these guys. I mean, sure, we should be used to Pokémon that are made out of rocks, or clumps of dirt, or...clouds. But these are kind of a stretch.

#5. Nosepass

According to the original PokéDex entry for Nosepass, it actually barely moves at all, so it may not qualify as "sentient", but it still has a face, and does a little dance when you encounter it, so there. It's probably harmless, but it looks like a mini Moai statue and that's creepy for some reason.

#4. Solrock & Lunatone

Terrifying and soulless, you may remember Solrock and Lunatone as the Pokémon who handed your ass to you in the Mossdeep City Gym. These Pokémon supposedly appeared at the site of fallen meteorites. Well, so did Clefairy, and I don't see them trying to kill me in my sleep.

#3. Banette

A sinister, angry plush toy that skulks around dark alleys hunting for children to...presumably kill and eat. Combined with its nightmarish death-rattle of a cry and you've got all the reason you need to not play Pokémon in the dark.

#2. Claydol

Actually kind of awesome if you can get over the fact that it's a living, breathing Haniwa statue that can apparently detach parts of its body at will.

#1. Registeel

All of the Regi-liths, really. Registeel may be pretty awesome and impervious to, well, everything, but it earns some bizarre-points for being a STEEL type with "steel" in its name, but apparently being made of "something harder than any kind of metal". Also for sort of being shaped like a pencil sharpener.

Why can't I ride my Ponyta? :(

Like (I assume) all young girls playing Pokémon, I love Ponytas. Ever since the first game and the first season of the show, I have believed that Ponytas were big enough to ride, and if they loved you (and of course they loved me), their flames would feel cool to the touch and the two of you would gallop all over Kanto having magical adventures.

Images of what is clearly a human girl riding a Ponyta.

Thank you Pokémon SoulSilver for ruining this 10+ year held belief.

It turns out that Ponytas are actually only about 3 feet high, and weigh around 2/3 of your game character. I only realised this when I put Ponyta first in my party, expecting it to tower over me, and maybe even beckon me onto its back, unlocking an awesome Easter Egg where Ponyta and I gallop all over Kanto having magical adventures. Instead I was greeted with a sprite that could fit in my hat.

Now my dreams are dead. I know Rapidash is big enough to ride, but it's not the same. I want to ride a pony. Dammit.

I can't even look at you, I—oh, that is so cute. All is forgiven.

Why I never became a Pokémon Master

My first foray into Pokémon happened when I was around 13. A classmate told me she thought the cartoon was really cute and suggested I watch it. I was instantly hooked, and of course, I now needed to play the game so I could have PokéAdventures right alongside Ash and Misty.

My little brother had both Red and Blue for Gameboy, so I started playing Blue, despite his objections to me erasing his saved game. Oh, it was love. Instant love. My trusty Charmander and I, traversing Mt. Moon and Diglett's Cave, fighting our way to the top of the Pokémon League. To be a Pokémon Master was my destiny.

C'est l'amour.

Then it came time for me to complete my PokéDex. Professor Oak had entrusted this sacred task unto me, and may the gods help me should I fail. It should have worked out perfectly. I had access to both Red and Blue. My brother and I each had our own Gameboy, and he even had a few friends that played the game. We could all get together and spend the day trading our Eevee evolutions and Kadabras. We were just missing one thing.

To trade Pokémon in the old games, you didn't just need friends and multiple $20 game cartridges. You needed a link cable. Specifically this: a DMG-04, used to connect two of the original Gameboys.

Cheeky bastard.

Thinking back, 13 years after the fact, I imagine that this small bundle of wires was not actually that hard to find. It probably wasn't even that expensive. But try explaining that to my parents. We already bought you the Gameboy. We already bought not one, but TWO of what are essentially identical games. Now you need something ELSE for it? Try getting a job and paying bills and learning what it's like to live on your own, see how you like that.

So that was it. Never, not even once, did I get to trade in the Generation I games. No Ekans. No Mankey. No Jolteon. No Alakazam. And hey, if you wanted a Bulbasaur, maybe you should have gotten one from Professor Oak in the first place.

No.

I WAS able to obtain all the Pokémon you could possibly get without trading (which is 128.) A very poor concession prize considering all the wild rumors that flew around about what DID happen after getting all 150 creatures. A guy in Professor Oak's lab gave you a Mew. You gained access to a special hidden Safari Zone. The president of Nintendo America showed up on your doorstep with a sack of pirate gold.

We didn't have the internet back then, so all I had to go on was what my 10 year old brother and his weirdo friends told me. Turns out all you actually get is a pat on the back from Professer Oak and a shitty diploma from one of the employees in the Celadon Mansion.

I want the last 300 hours of my life back.

To this day, I've still never had a complete PokéDex. I'm close in Diamond; very close, especially after purchasing a used copy of Pokémon Pearl at a GameStop and finding it had been maxed out with cheat-generated legendaries. I'll be sure to post here when I get my awesome completion certificate. At least I can look forward to it being in color this time.